Autism Parenting

Autism Motherhood – A Newborn

Parenting can be hard whether you are autistic or neurotypical, they do not come with manuals and every child is different, so you grow and learn along side your child.

Autism throws in many hurdles and unique experiences, some difficult and some amusing. Although I didn’t know that I was Autistic then, looking back I can see where it played a part in the difficulties I had, and the strengths. One of the biggest things Neurodivergent mums experience is Sensory Processing Disorder, being sensory sensitive can throw in problems that neurotypical mums probably wont experience.

Dreaming To Be A Mum

Being a mum was something I had always dreamed of, but something I didn’t expect to happen, I experienced awful anxiety and had lived my life in fear a lot of the time. I didn’t think it was fair to bring a child into that, I kept putting it off, and on top of that giving birth scared me as all I could think about was what could go wrong. I was a step-mum to my partners 3 children, I had been in their lives since they were 8, 7 and 4. But, after almost 10 years of being with my partner, when I was 32, I fell pregnant.

As soon as they are placed in your arms your whole world changes, the love you feel is like nothing you have felt before, and the fear, “what if I am not good enough”.

First Nappy Change

No-one tells you about that first nappy, but her dad had older children, so had warned me about that first nappy change, which I let him do. Smells are a problem for me and so is seeing certain things, I can’t handle seeing and smelling vomit, so I knew that the first nappy would be difficult and I wimped out. Her dad on the other hand has no sense of smell, so it didn’t affect him in the same way as it would have me.

Staying On A Ward

Nobody tells you just how loud it is staying on a ward in the maternity hospital, I guess it is obvious really, but I hadn’t given it much thought. That first night was difficult, although my daughter slept a lot that first night, I did not. The staff kept coming to check my blood pressure regularly and I needed injections to prevent blood clots, so sleep wasn’t practical, not that it would of been easy to sleep with lots of crying babies and the hospital smell.

We had to stay in for 2 nights, I was determined to breastfeed and It just wasn’t happening, they kept telling me the milk would come in and to keep trying, in the end I asked for formula as she was hungry and I felt a failure as they kept saying how important breastfeeding was. The milk never came in, I didn’t produce a single drop.

Sleepless Nights

Apparently I was weird, but I didn’t mind the sleepless nights, it was the time when we were alone, just the two of us, and a quiet house. I loved just watching, this tiny human who I needed to protect and nurture, who from the start pulled many different facial expressions. I would talk to her, I would read her stories, she was such a calm and contented baby.

I would talk to her until she was ready to go back to sleep, She has always been a night time person. Even now she struggles to get to sleep as she is wide awake, sometimes she is up till late.

Crying

My daughter was a very content baby, she only really cried when she was poorly or in pain, which is an ear piercing cry.

I have to admit, that there were times when the cry did affect me, normally when I was stressed or already feeling overwhelmed by sensory input. Sometimes when she cried it felt like it was rattling around inside my head, bouncing of the inside of my of skull, it kind of felt like the brain freeze you get from eating ice cream too fast. I didn’t know then, but since diagnosis I realise that was due to sensory sensitivities to sound.

But, I coped with it, as us mums always do. If I did need to get away for a few minutes, I was lucky that her dad would take over or my mum, nieces or sisters. There was always someone about.

Baby Clinic

I only took my daughter to the baby clinic a few times, I often had to catch the bus there alone, so my daughter would be in her pram. The baby clinic was upstairs in my doctors surgery, because I had the pram it meant going up in the lift, as I didn’t feel comfortable leaving the pram downstairs and carrying my upstairs.

I have a massive fear of lifts, of being shut in and not being able to escape, it didn’t matter how many times I tried I just couldn’t bring myself to use it. So the only times we attended the baby clinic was when someone could go with us and the only other times she was weighed was when the Health Visitor came to us at home.

Doctors Appointment

My daughter has only had a doctors appointment a maximum of 5 or 6 times in her 8 years, most of those were when she was a baby. At one appointment I was made to feel I was an over anxious first time mum, so I only made an appointment in future as a last resort.

I have spent most of my life feeling different and unheard, even when the abuse I experienced as a child came out in the open, because I didn’t react in a certain way when I spoke out it wasn’t taken seriously. I guess I came across as a bit robotic or flat, but I couldn’t cry in front of others, I have since realised due to autism I express my emotions differently.

So, when the doctor made me feel over dramatic and unheard, it put me off doing it again. I refused to take her to see him again. I have since found he is a very good doctor, he was the only option when I needed a doctor a several months ago, and he went above and beyond to help me.

So, perhaps it was down to communication differences that I felt he thought I was an over anxious mum and took it so personally. Or maybe he did think that, I don’t know, but I shouldn’t of dismissed him so quickly.

My Autism diagnosis has given me some confidence, if I feel I have misunderstood something, I will ask for clarification instead of just reacting. I no longer feel broken or worthless, there is an explanation for my difficulties and it isn’t my fault. It doesn’t hurt to double check and I am no longer afraid to do so, somethimes I have been spot on and read it right and other times I have been way off the mark.

Mother and Baby Groups

Mother and baby groups left me feeling like such a failure, I just couldn’t cope with them, and I didn’t really understand why until now.

Walking in to that first sessions was daunting, everyone else seemed to already knew1¹ each other from previous children and for joining earlier than I did. My anxiety was constantly switched to high alert, trying to join in conversation proved to be difficult as they were already in their cliques, so I focused my attention on my daughter.

I used to think social anxiety was the problem, but I know realise sensory overwhelm also played a part in triggering anxiety. The lighting, the noise, the smells, that were bombarding my senses made tuning out background noise and concentrating on what we were meant to be doing difficult. It left me permanently anxious.

I certainly didn’t have the ability to break my way into those cliques, seriously why couldn’t I be normal like the other mums. After trying to hold it out for 3 sessions, sessions of being alone, I gave up.

Over the first few years I tried many groups with encouragement from the Health Visitor, toddler groups, rhyme time and the library, baby gymnastics, art groups, but they all ended in failure.

Mummy Meltdowns

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have times where I was completely burntout and overwhelmed, looking back there are two times when I experienced a meltdown. I didn’t know that was what it was at the time, but now its obvious. I am not ashamed of it, I picked myself up straight after and carried on as I always do.

I was just overwhelmed by everything going on around me, by appointments, by trying and failing with attending mother and baby groups, and by sensory sensitivities. It all just got a bit much.

I am certain neurotypical parents also have meltdowns at some point, when everything just gets a bit to much. Some of the triggers maybe different, but I am sure it happens.

Autism Motherhood- Pregnancy

Although I didn’t know that I was Autistic when I was pregnant with my Daughter, looking back, I am able to see times when Autism played a part. Now, I wonder what my experience might have been had I known, would it have been easier or would it have been more difficult.

I left having children quite late, I was 33 when my Daughter was born, which is late compared to some. The reason I kept putting off having children was due to Anxiety, I could picture every possible thing that could go wrong, it was the fear of the unknown. After all, everyone’s pregnancy is different and unique to them, so there were no certainties. I regret that now, as it has meant I have missed out on the chance of having more children, as the fear prevented me from trying again.

Antenatal classes do not prepare you for a neurodivegent pregnancy, the midwives don’t tell you that it can be a sensory nightmare for someone who is autistic. I didn’t feel I could share what I was experiencing at the classes, because I quickly realised no one could relate. So eventually you stop telling people things, including the professionals.

Morning Sickness

Morning sickness started from about 5 weeks and lasted until I was in labour, in fact, I was still being sick the morning labour started. I lost a lot of weight during pregnancy because of it.

The only foods I could eat had to be bland, at the start all I could tolerate were Refresher sweets, and Broad Beans with Cheese. As time passed I was able to add a bit more, but anything that had too strong a scent or flavour sent me running for the bathroom.

I had to let my Boss know I was pregnant pretty early on in the pregnancy due to the frequent trips to the bathroom, otherwise I don’t think I would have kept may job.

Sensory Processing Disorder

Pregnancy Heightens your senses, back in the caveman days it was vital for safety and protection, maybe not as useful in this day and age.

When you add on top Sensory Processing Disorder or Sensory Sensitivities it can be problematic. I am already highly sensitive to smells, I can not wear Purfume or be near anyone that is wearing it as it is far to strong for me, it will cause a headache and nausea. Lavender is a smell I just cannot tolerate, although I like the actual smell, it is just to strong for me. The smell of fish, bacon, and spicy food can all be to much.

I believe the Sensory Processing Disorder is possibly the reason I experienced Morning Sickness for so long. The strong smells, the tastes, the textures all triggered nausea.

My mum had a Hyacinth plant in her kitchen, everytime I entered the room I had to go running for the bathroom, as it made me feel sick. I had to avoid supermarkets, the mixture of smells from food, meat, fish and cleaning products would make me feel and be sick. I could only consume food that had little smell or taste.

I tried explaining it to the midwife, the look I recieved told me exactly what she thought, she thought I was exaggerating and being overly dramatic.

White Coat Syndrome

Hospital appointments and Doctors appointments have always increased my blood pressure, during pregnancy it was no different, the only difference was that because they took my blood pressure at each hospital appointment, it ended up with a stay on a ward.

In the end they realised what was happening and stopped taking my blood pressure during hospital appointments, they would send a midwife to check it while I was at home to get a more accurate reading.

Looking back, I realise some of it was sensory related and some Social Anxiety related. The hospital was always busy, naturally, lots of people rushing around from one department to another, it was also loud and it smelt in the way hospitals always do. So, it triggered my Anxiety and in turn raised my blood pressure.

Pain Felt Differently

For some autistic people pain can be a difficult concept, it isn’t always easy to know if the pain is something serious or not. The reason for this is that pain that should hurt much, doesn’t, and something that warrants a little pain ends up hurting a great deal. When they ask how much it hurts from 1 – 10, I have no idea what I should answer as I I really have no idea.

When labour started for me, the pain across my tummy wasn’t to bad, but the pain that shot down my right leg was awful. But, because of my size they wanted me to have an epidural, to save time if there was an emergency.

The pain from the tear I ended up with was incredibly painful, worse than the contractions, and sitting was really awkward. I tried to explain how painful it was, but it was another one of those times I recieved skepticism and doubt. It made walking and moving incredibly uncomfortable.

It took several weeks to heal.

No Milk

Apparently it is rare, but I wasn’t able to breastfeed due to not producing any milk. While I was on the ward after my daughter was born, the staff kept telling me to keep trying and it will eventually come in, but it never did.

I felt a bit of a failure to begin with, the my midwife and staff at the antenatal sessions kept telling us how important it was to breastfeed our babies, but being bottlefed hasn’t done any harm.

Thinking Out Loud

Since being diagnosed I have been looking for information into what its like being Autistic and Pregnancy, being Autistic and being a mum, and there is very little out there. Nothing stating what its like having Sensory Processing Disorder and being pregnant, because there is no getting away from the fact that it does have an impact.

Feeling a baby kick inside you, feeling their hiccups and their movements, it is very sensory. I loved feeling my baby kick, at night when everyone else was asleep, was when she was at her most active, actually not much has changed as she is still very much a late night person. But, for some autistic people I have spoken to, feeling the baby move and kick was overwhelming.

I regret not having another baby, I allowed my fear to be to great and it prevented it from happening again. I love being a mum more than anything else in the world, I am so grateful that I am my daughters mum, she is pretty amazing!!!.

Hello World!

I have started this blog to run alongside the page I write for on Facebook and Instagram, instead of using my more personal themed blogs for them. Writting is important to me, so is sharing what I learn about autism and being a parent who is autistic. Although there are similarities between parenting as an autistic mum and a neurotypical mum, there will naturally be some differences in parenting styles and experiences.

The south coast of the United Kingdom is where I call home; I become a step-mum first, at the age of 23, to 2 boys and a girl. Then I became a mum to a wonderful little girl and not long after I became a step-nana to 3 little boys. I played all of these roles before recently finding out I am Autistic, looking back autism threw up many challenges, but I am not sure that I would change it other than making things a little easier at times.